By Faith

That's the song we sang in church on Sunday night, so I had it going through my head on Monday - By Faith. I didn't have all the lyrics, but mainly these two phrases: "we will stand as children of the promise" and "we'll walk by faith and not by sight." That's pretty much it, but I think the Lord used that to help keep me calm. I don't think that I'm a spazz, but the Lord helped me to be unusually calm on Monday.


It's funny how you can go to bed one day - like we did on Sunday, and then wake up on Monday morning, and everything has changed. Sunday was a normal day for us. We were blessed by Michael Lawrence's sermon in the morning. Ben watched football in the afternoon - he was happy they actually showed the end of the Bears game on TV in this Redskins/Ravens place while the girls and I napped. Then, we went back into church and he helped set everything up for the Lord's Supper and put everything away after church. I watched some TV that night while he read.


I kinda slept a little later Monday morning. When I woke up, Ben told me he felt like he was having trouble with things. He seemed really distraught. After getting ready for work, he sat down to read his Bible. He said he couldn't read. I asked him to turn off the alarm for the house. He put in the correct passcode, but kept pressing the wrong button to turn the alarm off (which was weird b/c he's always showing me how to work the alarm - not the other way around). He actually still went into work. I called him to make sure he made it. He expressed frustration b/c he almost didn't make it into the building b/c he had a hard time remembering his security password, and he said he almost locked himself out of his computer after taking 20 minutes to log in, etc, etc. I got him to cancel what he needed for that morning and just get home.


He didn't want to go to the ER, and I had a friend who could watch the girls in the afternoon, so I booked a doctors appointment. It was a long morning. He had a hard time sleeping, and it was emotional for him to not know what was wrong but not be able to communicate with Rachel. So, Rachel was crying a bit - she's pretty sensitive. Oddly enough, I was calm......but I kept having the By Faith lyrics going around in my head. Doctors office took forever......only to be told to go to the ER b/c it sounded like menangitis.


Being at the ER reminded me why I was trying to avoid it. I'm not germaphobic, but I was on Monday. After going through the whole process of checking in, getting various tests, Ben finally got a bed in the ER. And by bed, I mean a bed in the hallway of the ER. It was really nice b/c it had a little curtain that wrapped around it (hope you're catching my sarcasm):) Anywho, there was a really strong smell across from him that we endured.....no amount of febreze made this other patient smell better. But somehow, the Lord sustained us. I think the moment I felt a lot of fear was when they said they wanted to do another CAT scan b/c they saw something on the first one. Up until that point, I wasn't letting myself think of any possibilities. I hate borrowing trouble, so I often refuse to feel anything until I know all the facts. But being told "we saw something" was a weird moment for me.


Long story short (b/c it was a long day and night) after 2 CAT scans, they told us that Ben had had a stroke. His MRI later on confirmed it. We're still not sure why at the age of 30, he had a stroke. Some of his labwork won't be in for a few more days, and he has to go back to his neurologist for another test. We're hoping that something will come up from those visits. We did find out that he has a pinhole in his heart.....basically, it never closed when he was born. We're still trying to determine if this was part of the problem and if it makes sense to close the hole. Thankfully, he is home from the hospital. It feels like he was in for a long time.....even if it was really only like 2 full nights and days. He's been stuck with needles more times than he has been in the past 5 years (and he really hates needles).


Moving forward, Ben will be working with a speech therapist. Thankfully, the stroke wasn't over a few centimeters in the brain....since then we would have been dealing w/ paralyzation, as well. His talking, reading, and writing skills are giving him trouble. He can do all three, but he struggles with them in different ways. It doesn't seem like there's a pattern. One moment, he has a complete conversation w/ me and delivers a punch line, and the next moment, he struggles to get a sentance out. He was able to type a little bit last night and he was reading some emails.


We pray that things will progress quickly. It is frustrating for him. He knows what he wants to say and he knows he can read, but at some points, it still becomes a struggle. Thanks to everyone for their prayers - even when some didn't know the exact situation. Even when I can't respond right away, the emails, text messages, and voicemails mean a lot. God has given us another opportunity this year to feel His love. As trying as this week has been, and I feel like I'm only now starting to feel that, I've felt God's love even more strongly than I did previously. I'm touched by how caring so many are and their willingness to put their own lives on hold for ours. During trials, this poem often floats in my head. But it's true, when facing trials, I've found the pain to have sweetness and known that God is good.

We do appreciate your prayers for a full recovery for Ben. It's going to be frustrating at times, but you can pray that we would rest in the Lord and have patience. We praise God for His love and care for us, displayed through so many.